The Life that Wants to Live in Me

“Is the life I am living the same as the life that wants to live in me?” - Parker Palmer

This is a quote from an essay I recently read that knocked me to my knees. Laura McKowen writes Love Story, a Substack full of personal essays, musings, and questions. Her essay, “On the life that wants to live in you” happened to come to my inbox just as I was in the midst of an emotional breakdown. Through bleary eyes, I read Laura’s words about surrendering and giving into naming the aspects of life that she didn’t want to live with along with those she did.

She then talks about the quote above and how it is decisively different from the question we typically ask which is: “Am I living the life I want?” The difference is in the outlook we have of ourselves. While living a life we want is great, it often means there is some internal and external change warranted to get there. Perhaps a certain amount of money is necessary to truly live the life you want to live. Maybe your health needs to be improved so you can live the kind of life you want to live. Maybe, a certain “title” is necessary to get you to the life you want to live. In every scenario though, there is a reaching… a striving.

But the opposite of that then, in the case of the quote, is not determining what kind of life you want to live. It’s discovering what is already within you that life has been begging for you to live. It is acknowledging that that “thing” that you do so well that you don’t even notice you do it well anymore and is actually part of your purpose of living.

I think the hardest part about this dichotomy is that while the former makes sense in our capitalistic world, the latter does not. Because the life that wants to live in you does not care how much money you make. It does not care that you need to provide for your family. It cares that you are being true to the parts of you that make that life worth living.

I know… it’s a little unwieldy to think about and wrap your head around. I’m still working on it, too.

But the second part of this conversation both in the essay and here, in this article, has to do with why it’s so damn difficult to lean into living the life that wants to live in us. Laura breaks down 5 typical reasons we may turn away from this type of life. They are all common and also all embedded deeply in cultural and societal view points. Laura will be writing about them more in depth over the coming weeks, but I want to touch on them from my own experience — except I think that really, they’re all symptoms of ONE core emotion.

Fear of Pain

This is obvious, right? Our brains and bodies do everything in it’s power to keep us “safe” from the threat of pain. We actively try to avoid pain. Thus, actively avoiding anything that could be considered painful to our emotional and mental wellbeing just as much as our physical being.

Now here’s a twist I mentioned — I believe this is at the root of all the rest of the reasons. When we break down each element and strip away the conditioning and the capitalism and every surface-level aspect, we get down to the root… pain.

Fear of Uncertainty — It’s painful to not know what will happen next. Especially at this moment in time with the kind of world we live in. If the climate change and natural disasters have taught us anything, it’s that we never know what or when something will happen. So it makes complete sense that we want to avoid situations, events and experiences that seem uncertain. Because experience us has taught us that the unknown can often be painful.

Fear of Disapproval — This specific fear of pain is universal and hardwired in us. We have evolved to live in groups or tribes, and being ostracized or disapproved of by our tribe could mean being cut off from the social and physical resources that the tribe provides. And in the earliest days of being human, that meant the ultimate kind of pain and suffering, and ultimately, death. So we’re naturally inclined NOT to wander into situations in which disapproval could be the end result.

Fear of Being Seen — This fear is often internalized with deep emotional shame and trauma. And like all the other fears, it’s extremely valid because at the end of the day, if we are truly seen for who we are, there’s a chance that we will not rise to the expectations. There’s a chance that our true selves will not be accepted and thus — othered and exiled. It’s painful to be vulnerable and show the truth of who we are and to not have it received well. And the thought of that often keeps us invisible.

Fear of “Good Enough” — This fear is so prominent, we’ve all felt it. Commonly referred to as “imposter syndrome,” it’s the fear that if we attempt to do or be something, we will find out that we’re simply not “good enough” for it. The realization that whatever it is we want to do or be is not ours to do or be is such a painful place to be in. So instead of trying and failing, we just avoid trying altogether.

To me, these five “reasons” are all versions of ways we try to avoid painful experiences. But the truth is, painful experiences are going to happen to us whether we want it to or not. And the disconnect comes when we think that we can control it. But we can’t. We never could. So yes, we may use these reasons as justification to not do something or to not be the person we want to be, but life is still going to happen. Pain is still going to come. But we DO have a choice and a voice in deciding what kind of experiences we can have alongside of that pain.

When I think about this question, “Is the life I am living the same as the life that wants to live in me?” I come to the resounding conclusion that it is not. Not yet at least. But the more I think of the question and ponder the answer, the louder a small voice within me emerges. I feel desperate to hear what it’s telling me. Hoping, praying that it will tell me what I need to know so I can move forward instead of feeling stuck in a pattern I’ve grown accustomed to.

But you know what? I have a feeling that if I get quiet, listen hard enough, and open myself up to the truth — I’m probably going to discover that the gap between the life I want to live and the life that wants to live in me… aren’t that far apart. Maybe they never truly are and it’s our job to shut the hell up and listen so that we can figure out what that life actually is and what it means to live it.