Dancing with Freudenfreude
The crowd quiets as they walk to the stage and sit in the spotlight. I’m not sure if she can see me out in the audience, but it doesn’t matter because she knows I’m there. After pleasantries, the interviewer asks, “so, how does it feel to be a published author?”
She smiles before answering, and it lights up the entire room. This was the moment we’d been waiting for, and as she spoke from her heart, something inside me swelled up. An undeniable feeling of complete bliss for a friend who had done something she wasn’t sure she could do.
See, there’s something uniquely intimate about being on the sidelines of someone else’s dreams. You’re there for the wins and the losses. You’re there to comfort and to encourage. You see behind the curtain what it takes to achieve said dream rather than only seeing the finished product. It’s an interesting space to occupy, and it comes with its own set of emotions to explore.
But watching Allie talk about the inspiration behind her book, the process, and her future, everything except happiness dissipated. She was born for this, and I shivered knowing she’d found a calling. Something that spoke to her deeply and completely, and that’s all I ever want for my friends regarding their livelihoods.
I didn’t know there was a word for this big, bold emotion I was feeling. But of course, as the Universe does, on my flight back to Minnesota, an article popped into my inbox right before take off.
Freudenfreude
The article was about empathy researchers who study, well, empathy. They explained that in their studies, those who experienced “freudenfreude” had more intimate and enjoyable relationships and higher resilience, life satisfaction, and cooperation during conflict¹.
Freudenfreude, they explained, is the German expression for the bliss we feel when someone else succeeds, even if it doesn’t directly involve us.
Its counterpart is something we’re all much more familiar with… schadenfreude.
Schadenfreude is the pleasure we feel when witnessing someone’s misfortunes. And guess what? We all have felt it. (Trust me, I’m not above being a petty bitch sometimes!). It’s common to use schadenfreude to cope with feelings of jealousy or vulnerability. It comes with its own set of issues, and if left unattended — it can turn into a larger issue around empathy and ego.
But freudenfreude could be the antidote.
One reason that researchers have found it to be such a positive source of emotions is the justification that we don’t ever achieve things in a vacuum. It takes a village. Everyone wants to feel a part of something bigger than themselves, and when someone we love and care for succeeds, it feels like we do, too.
My Experience
To understand why dancing with freudenfreude is a big deal for me, we have to talk about the DNA of who I am. If, like me, you consider personality tests and alternative ways of thinking viable — then you will immediately understand what I mean when I say that everything in my charts and tests points to envy.
As an Enneagram 4, the core of our “emotional reactivity” is expending emotional energy desiring or idealizing what we don’t have. This is not your typical, run-of-the-mill jealousy, though. A four doesn’t care about material things or even relationships. A four is envious of the things they feel they are inherently missing in their own life.
I wrote an article ages ago about this because it was such a life-changing moment to realize that I wasn’t a bad person. Something wasn’t “wrong” with me. It helped me see that it was an aspect of myself that needed to be studied, reclaimed, and worked with — rather than something to be ashamed of.
Being able to pinpoint moments of freudenfreud tells me that all the emotional and recovery work I’ve done are paying off. My go-to isn’t a feeling of envy; instead, one of joy.
Experimenting with Freudenfreud
This newfound discovery made me curious. Could I foster more of it in my life? How? As it turns out, the researchers in the study found two specific actions someone can take to bring more freudenfreud into their lives²:
Shoy — intentionally sharing the joy of someone relating a success story by showing interest and asking follow-up questions
Bragitude — intentionally tying words of gratitude toward the listener following a discussion of personal successes
These are great, and I plan to leverage them during moments of recognized freudenfreud with a friend, but what about cultivating a sense of freudenfreud every day? What would change if I became a freudenfreud voyuer?
I decided to try an experiment under my most unfavorable conditions — social media. If I could find some freudenfreud instead of schadenfreud amongst them, maybe I could reclaim the power of these platforms. Instead of being a passive spectator, I could specifically cultivate the right conditions to induce freudenfreud.
The Results
The first scroll through my personal Instagram feed gave me exactly what I needed to test this theory. A writing friend from my past posted about her forthcoming book publication, and while my gut instincts were to grimace in pain and feel slighted, instead, I said aloud, “good for him. He’s waited a long time for this to happen and has worked really hard. Maybe one of my critiques helped him prepare.”
AND THERE WAS NO RESENTMENT!
I couldn’t believe it.
I tried again.
A friend posted about the house she just purchased in Arizona with beautiful and intoxicating photos of lush succulents, perfectly manicured landscaping, and an outdoor oasis. I stared out the window at the snowflakes falling and thought, “well, now I know someone I could stay with when I visit Arizona.”
And again, the swell of joy versus envy surged through me.
Do I think I’ve somehow lost my ability to be envious? Nah. But I think I’ve come to deeply understand the sentiment behind the (often misattributed) quote: “A rising tide lifts all boats.”
Here’s the best part about tasting the sweetness of freudenfreud…
It’s an addiction you can feel good about.
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¹https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/25/well/mind/schadenfreude-freudenfreude.html?smid=url-share
